vegetable of the ‘week’: Asparagus officinalis
If aliens had sent agents to earth to impregnate us all, those agents would be asparagus (or probably brussel sprouts, but we’ll get to them later).
You’re getting the creeping fears now, aren’t you?!
Turns out, aside from being agents of intergalactic intrigue, that asparagus used to be considered one of the lilies. But as time went by, and science killed such faeries, asparagus has been sent out alone, shunned by those flowers of ultimate beauty, to be considered in its own fambily. But they do still have really beautiful flowers, just like lilies!
But we cut them down before they get a chance to flower, or grow into beautiful plants that look a lot like dill. We roast them, we grill them, we skin them, scald them with steam, boil them, drown them in vinegar, etc. This is not one of those times when beauty and cuisine go hand in hand! So bad for the eye, but so nomz for the tongue!!
Asparagus spears, an ironically militant name we give to these defenseless shoots after we savage them with impunity to reinforce our self-images of dominance over nature, are the young sprouts of the plant. A time line, appropriately from the plant’s perspective: I’m alive!, Why’s it dark in here?, I think I might head up and see what wonderous sights await me above!!, Oh Glorious sunshine! Oh happy day! Oh to bask in this moment forever, bathed in the warm solar glow, tomorrow I shall write an ode to the sun!, AAAAHHHHH I can’t feel my legs, it’s so cold, so cold…
But in that brief period when they are alive, asparagus pack stuff in! They are rich in B vitamins!! As well as vitamins C and K (who ever heard of vitamin K before?, turns out they might be up to U by now with all these vitamins!!), and are 2% of quite a high grade protein, which is pretty usual, but still exciting, for a plant! They also got iron, copper and manganese!
However, asparagus is no martyr, to go quietly like El Salvador. While far from being overtly militant, is more of a guerilla of vindictive rage. After eating asparagus, pretty much everybody gets stinky urine (I am told of more adult affects too). Interestingly, only 20% of humans can smell the odiferous asparagus urine though. I feel special!
I guess this could be payback for all the wild asparagus I beat down in my childhood to build roads between forts. It hurt me then, it stings me now. But I got teeth; I am ready and willing to escalate this! RAAAA NOMZ!